When we first started the adoption process, we were looking at two different countries: Bulgaria and Columbia. I liked the idea of Columbia better because:

1) I liked the area better (South America has always fascinated me).

2) There were a couple sibling groups that I liked the snapshot of. 

However, my father didn’t want us to go to Columbia because my sister and I are apparently pretty and the crime rate there is insanely high. 

So we went with Bulgaria. We scrolled through the waiting child list a lot looking to see if there was a family for us. My dad kept going back to these two girls whom my mother had initially said no to because they looked so put together. After reading a couple files and deciding that they wouldn’t work, we ended up asking about the two sisters. We read their file and ended up going for them. We sent them the letter, and I was so excited because I thought there was no way on earth that they would say no. We are still convinced that they were God’s first choice for us. We waited for quite a few weeks for an answer and that entire time I spent thinking about how to make things work when they arrived. It was never really a question of “if” with them. I was nervous about getting them, but I already thought of them as sisters. Then we got the call that they said no. It hurt so bad that I couldn’t even cry. That was easily the most painful experience in my life, and I have done a lot of painful things to myself. My whole world shifted very quickly and there was no way to go back. 

Up until that point I had been all gung-ho about the adoption and had it all rose tinted in my head. After that, I started to really freak out about it. I wasn’t sure how to proceed…or even if I really wanted to. I didn’t want to get hurt like that again, and I didnt think I could ever let different adoptees in because the two girls should have been ours. A couple of weeks and a lot of prayers later, we decided to move forward again with the adoption. When we started looking at the files again, I couldn’t get the sisters out of my head. I had to let go of the girls before I could start thinking about other kids, but I didn’t want to let go. I still clung to the hope that there would be a way for them to come back. I was worried because I didn’t think I would ever feel the same way about other adoptees as I had for them. It took my dad looking at me and telling me it was okay to feel differently about the girls than other kids for me to really start being a part of the adoption process again. 

I doubt I will ever “get over” those two girls, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t let anyone else in. I have to allow myself to love other people even if I am scared. I guess it’s true that we shouldn’t make choices out of fear, but I sure wish I could always feel God’s “peace that passes understanding.”

-Mikayla

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