It is not really a huge secret. Pretty much everyone who knows me, knows how I feel about it. For those of you who do not, though, let me just tell you how I feel about moving this summer:

I DON’T WANT TO GO!

Now if you picture me screaming that like a two-year-old and, of course, stomping my feet in the process, you will get a picture of what many of my conversations with God have been like these last few months.

Sigh.

I know better. Don’t we all? Even at the age of two, we all sense that there is something wrong with that kind of behavior, and we are all waiting for a parent to take us firmly in hand.

And so, kicking and screaming, I reached Sunday.

Sunday I sat in church, and God took me in hand. It started early in the service with the praying of the collect:

Almighty God, you alone can bring into

order the unruly wills and affections of

sinners: Grant your people grace to love

what you command and desire what you

promise; that, among the swift and varied

changes of the world, our hearts may surely

there be fixed where true joys are to be found;

through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives

and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one

God, now and for ever. Amen.

(http://www.lectionarypage.net/YearC_RCL/Lent/CLent5_RCL.html)

Gulp – unruly wills? Yep, guess you could say that was me.

Love what you command? Surely not! That command is to leave our beloved Alaska. That command means saying good-bye to people we love. That command means giving up all the good work that we are doing here.

Swift and varied changes? Yeah, let’s talk about that! Let’s talk about duty station #7 in 12 years. Let’s talk about all the upheaval we have experienced. Let’s talk about all the tears we’ve cried.

Of the world? Wait. Uh oh. That means this isn’t an attack on me. It is just part of living on this broken earth, of being a fallen human being.

Hearts…fixed where true joys are to be found? Well, let’s just say that that part was like a slap upside the head. I could almost feel my brain click into focus, and I realized just how much I had lost proper focus. I had fixed my heart on Alaska and not on Him.